Privilege by Wendy Montgomery
“I am part of the problem.” Learning the truth of that statement has been a humbling and daunting journey. I used to think I was a good person, living a good life, raising good children. I didn’t realize my life path and choices were self-centered and arrogant. I didn’t know I was deeply hurting my own son. I didn’t know he was different than my other children. I didn’t know he was gay. I didn’t know. But the thing is, it didn’t matter that I didn’t know. That’s a lousy excuse. I was still causing harm to a lot of people I cared about. I was blind to my own privilege; and it almost cost me my son’s life. Seeing my own straight privilege has opened me up to so many other areas where I am privileged as well. Since realizing my own culpability in many of society’s deeply rooted problems, I’ve done all I could to listen, learn, know better, and do better. I see so much of my privilege clearly now. It is my goal to use my privilege to elevate the voices of the marginalized, oppressed, and discriminated against.
White Privilege
In my admittedly limited experience, I find that people fall into one of two camps when it comes to their white privilege and how they’re “not racist.” They say that racism either doesn’t exist or is so much better than it used to be, so we should just stop making a big deal about it. Or they say they don’t see color; that everyone is equal and skin color doesn’t matter to them. Research suggests that it is ineffective to try to make different ethnicities and races the same as the privileged group. In fact, this color-evasion can promote interracial tension and can even further the power differential and feelings of inequality. Color-Blind Racial Ideology (CBRI) is sometimes seen as a modern form of racism and a way of legitimizing the racial status quo. (Neville 2013). Research also suggests that there exists a relationship between CBRI and increased racial prejudice, anger and fear. Racial color-blindness seems to be a modern expression of racism. It provides the framework for ignoring that racism is still happening. Even though a Black American has been elected president twice, we have seen an increase in anti-Black prejudice. The conclusion of this research states, “Treating different people differently and celebrating their cultural uniqueness appears to be a more equitable way to achieve social justice than attempting to adopt a color-blind stance.” (Neville 2013). White people do not know or understand how it feels to be black. We can never know their experience firsthand; the best we can do is listen to them and try to find a way to validate and amplify their voices. With our white privilege, we can practice allyship to the communities of color in a way that feels heard and respected for them. In another paper addressing the issues of being an ally in the battle for social justice, it says, “The kind of conversations members of a community have reflects and shapes the values and culture of that community. By changing the conversation to one deliberately focused on equity, leaders change the culture.” (McDermott 2017). There is no scope or sequence to equity work. Different contexts and situations call for different responses. But it is of utmost importance that when conversations around race and culture are being had, the demographics we are speaking about are equally, if not more so, represented in that conversation. As privileged white people, we do not get to take stories that don’t belong to us and tell them without permission and/or consultation. It doesn’t matter if you have the best of intentions and a good heart. There are important lessons about the blind spots we have when we experience a lifetime of white privilege that we will face as we work to build cultural understanding and equity. (McDermott 2017).
Male Privilege
Special status and privileges are given to men in patriarchal societies. “The long-standing and unquestioned nature of such patriarchal systems, reinforced over generations, tends to make privilege invisible to holders; it can lead males who benefit from such privilege to ascribe their special status to their own individual merits and achievements, rather than unearned advantages.” (Wikipedia 2019). Privilege isn’t a result of purposeful effort or conspiracy to oppress and demean women; although the inherent perks and privileges that men get from this systemic bias put females at a distinct disadvantage. There are countless ways this dynamic can be seen in society. In public school systems, almost always the books you will read are written by men, usually white men. The school curriculum is essentially telling us that men are the best writers. “When books written by men dominate the school curriculum, men are nearly always the lead in stories and women are only portrayed through the male gaze.” (Rivero 2017). Assertive women and girls with a strong leadership style are called, bossy, controlling or bitchy. Men exhibiting the same behavior are applauded and listened to. Women are always underrepresented in positions of authority and power. The few women in those positions are often attacked for emulating the same leadership qualities that their male counterparts are praised for. Current examples of this are Hillary Clinton, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, and Dr. Christine Blasey Ford. When getting married, women are expected to change their name and take their husband’s last name, as an archaic way of showing the world the man has claim on you or owns you. The same is never expected of a man. Women’s sexuality is policed even before she hits puberty. Modesty culture, guilt and supposed “purity/virginity” is used to control women’s sexual agency. Men are called players for their sexual prowess; a woman is called a slut for the same behavior. (Rivero 2017). Male privilege can be seen everywhere. It is the absence of obstacles and discrimination that only women face. It is so ubiquitous in society that it is often explained away as “just the way things are.”
Heterosexual (Straight) Privilege
Heterosexual (straight) privilege gives unearned and unopposed advantages to straight people solely because of their sexual orientation and/or gender identity. This type of privilege can take many forms. A straight couple can show affection in public without fear of harassment or violence. A straight person doesn’t face rejection from their family due to their gender identity or sexual orientation. A straight couple receives support and validation from their religious community, whereas a gay couple rarely does. A straight person is rarely denied housing, employment or other services because of their “straightness.” Straight people aren’t taken to a therapist to be “cured” of their heterosexual natures. They have automatic recognition as “next of kin” in emergencies; gay couples often do not. (UOC 2019). The concept of “religious freedom” is often used in religious and conservative circles to justify the discrimination of LGBTQ+ people. The pastor of a Southern California megachurch believes that LGBTQ+ discrimination should be condoned in the name of “diversity of opinion.” Controversy surrounding this issue raises questions about what it means to be religious and/or Christian in our country today; and is it allowed to take others’ rights away based on moral grounds? (Hiltzik 2014). Religion is both contained in and reacts to the current sociocultural norms and expectations of the time. Feeling the need to choose between the child you love and the God you love is a very real scenario for many religious families with gay and/or trans children. A study on what happens when a child comes out as LGBTQ to his/her Mormon parents goes into more detail on this phenomenon. “In addition to Mormons, other politically conservative religious groups are also correlated to increased heterosexism.” (Neilson 2017). The Mormon church is also explicitly clear on their definition of God-ordained marriage only being between a man and a woman. This leaves very little room for a gay child to fit into their Mormon family, especially when they think God also feels that way about them. Suicidal ideation as well as attempts and completed suicides are frighteningly high in the Mormon church for these reasons. We take away LGBTQ people’s hope for a happy life and fulfilling family relationships. But the study found that “self-esteem among SGM (sexual & gender minorities) is positively correlated to a supportive parental relationship.” (Nielson 2017). Like many other religions, in the Mormon faith, spirituality and relationships are inseparably linked. So many parents really do have to choose between their God and their child; because religion often weaponizes God. I know from firsthand experience that it is an agonizing choice. We chose our child. I’ve never regretted it once, although it has been a painful road.
Male privilege and straight privilege often intersect. Religiosity strongly dictates gender roles as well as what type of romantic relationships are acceptable and unacceptable. To fully understand reactions to lesbians and gay men, one should also consider how women are treated in that country. Research has found that countries that have the highest levels of gender equality also have the most positive attitudes toward gay men and women, as well as the strongest legislative protections for the LGBTQ+ community. “Anyone fighting for social and legal change for lesbians and gay men in a country should be aware of the importance of fighting for change for women, too.” (Henry 2017).
What to Do Once You See Your Privilege
Some people were born into identities and circumstances that afford them real, impactful advantages in society. But often, talking about privilege can make a person feel defensive or like they’re being called out. They may not know what to do about their privilege because they didn’t know they had it in the first place. We all have some type of privilege and we need to know how to leverage it to give voice to those who have less. An ally is someone who can leverage their privilege effectively. They ask the right questions – of themselves and other people. They do more listening and learning than talking. They challenge people and systems that don’t respect and celebrate other people’s differences and identities. (Belden 2017). Studies have also shown that being an ally to an underrepresented and less privileged community can make you feel more fulfilled and happier. “The participants in this study perceived that their ally identity provided them with knowledge and awareness, satisfying interpersonal relationships and community belonging, and a sense of meaning and purpose as they actively contributed to social change. Allies who are engaged in intentional efforts to change society in positive ways found these efforts to be positive and fulfilling parts of their lives.” (Rostosky 2015). In the event that helping another person and standing up for the underdog isn’t reason enough to do the right thing, scientific studies have shown that it just might make you feel good inside.
Conclusion
I can no longer be silent. I have spent a long time being on the wrong side of many issues, unknowingly wearing blinders. But now I see the myriad ways people I love are marginalized, hurt and outcast. In talking about issues related to women, people of color and/or the LGBTQ+ community, we should recognize that this encompasses a large segment of the population. Equal rights, laws, protections, and freedom from discrimination should be a focus for ALL of us because we all know people who fall outside of white / straight / cisgender / male privilege. People we love are being affected. I want to live in a country where everyone has an equal voice and a place at the table where decisions are made. Too often it seems like those in power and with the highest levels of privilege won’t willingly give it up. They’d rather build a higher wall than a longer table. There is so much that can be learned from those different from us. I have experienced this first hand. Until we can find a way to do this, I don’t know how we heal the wounds of our beloved family and friends; and the wounds of our country. Start by recognizing that like me, you are part of the problem. From there, listen to those who can tell you what it’s like to be them. Stay humble and curious. Then leverage your privilege to amplify their voice.
Works Cited
Belden, C. “#StayWoke… Live Inclusively: Leveraging Privilege.” The Inclusion Solution. 07 July 2017. Retrieved April 22, 2019, from http://www.theinclusionsolution.me/staywoke-live-inclusively-leveraging-privilege/
Henry, P., & Wetherell, G. “Countries with Greater Gender Equality Have More Positive Attitudes and Laws Concerning Lesbians and Gay Men.” Sex Roles. 2017. 77(7–8), 523–532. https://doi-org.ez1.maricopa.edu/10.1007/s11199-017-0744-0
Hiltzik, M. “Discriminating on ‘Moral’ Grounds.” Los Angeles Times. 23 Jul. 2014. Retrieved from https://search-proquest-com.ez1.maricopa.edu/docview/1547440167?accountid=3859
“Male Privilege.” Wikipedia. 20 April 2019. Retrieved April 22, 2019, from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Male_privilege
McDermott, V. “Becoming an Ally in the Battle for Social Justice: A former superintendent describes what she has learned about white privilege as she pursues educational equity and promotes cultural understanding.” School Administrator, 74(10), 46+. Nov. 2017. Retrieved from http://link.galegroup.com.ez1.maricopa.edu/apps/doc/A528711019/AONE?u=mcc_chandler&sid=AONE&xid=f6ad1318
Neville, H. A., Awad, G. H., Brooks, J. E., Flores, M. P., & Bluemel, J. “Color-Blind Racial Ideology.” American Psychologist. 2013. 68(6), 455–466. https://doi-org.ez1.maricopa.edu/10.1037/a0033282
Nielson, E. “When A Child Comes Out in the Latter-Days: An exploratory case study of Mormon parents.” Mental Health, Religion & Culture, 2017. 20(3), 260–276. https://doi-org.ez1.maricopa.edu/10.1080/13674676.2017.1350942
“Recognizing Heterosexual Privilege.” University of Calgary. (n.d.). Retrieved 22 April 2019, from https://www.ucalgary.ca/positivespace/node/38
Rivero, A. “5 Everyday Examples of Male Privilege.” Affinity Magazine. 25 Sept. 2017. Retrieved April 22, 2019, from http://affinitymagazine.us/2017/09/25/5-everyday-examples-of-male-privilege/
Rostosky, Sharon S., et al. “Positive Aspects of Being a Heterosexual Ally to Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender (LGBT) People.” American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, vol. 85, no. 4, July 2015, pp. 331–338. EBSCOhost, doi:10.1037/ort0000056.
